⚓️

I let a guy touch me and I thought I was drunk enough to make myself want it but I started shaking so hard that I had to push him away. The only time you ever made me shake that hard was when I found out about her.

Nobody would ever think I’ve been in love. They can’t see any scars across the left side of my chest and they don’t feel the way my throat burns when I think about letting somebody new in. They think I’m scared, but really I can only fall for the ones that make me feel like I’d be a fool to think that they’d love me.

I turned into a girl who gets drunk on tequila by herself and drinks the whole bottle of wine without wincing. I turned into the girl who became so scared of the addictive way I could love you that I made myself find an addiction that is less toxic than trying to be good enough for you.

No matter how many empty bottles I go through, I still don’t let strangers get too close. I still shake so hard at the thought of someone else’s arms around me that I’ve started watching TV to help me try to fall asleep. I was never enough for you, and I’m scared I’ll never let myself stop remembering everything I need to forget.